Mortuary assistant

“If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.”

—Mark Twain

By Alex P. Vidal

I RECEIVED an offer to work as a mortuary assistant in a New York City hospital on April 22, 2020. 

The offer came amid reports that morgues have been overflowing with dead #COVID-19 patients especially in the boroughs of Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, Manhattan, and Long Island (299 patients have been added to the growing number of dead between May 1 and May 2 in New York).

Being out of work since the lockdown began in March, I nearly accepted the offer. 

The agency representative was actually hesitant to mention the job description, but when I pressed him to repeat the offer, he really confirmed it’s a job for a “mortuary assistant.”

“Have you heard about (inaudible)?” he inquired over the phone.

“Sorry, I didn’t understand it (name of the representative). Can you repeat it again please?” I appealed.

“Mhor-thuwa-ree assistant,” the agency representative averred. “You’ll assist while the (dead) bodies are being cleaned. Can you do that?”

“Yes, I’ve heard about it (job) but no, I’m sorry, I have no experience in that job,” I demurred emphatically.

“Okay, alright. It’s fine, Alex,” the representative retorted. “I’ll call you back just in case there are some changes.”

After the phone conversation, I realized “I needed to work soon” but only if the job is essential (most non-essential jobs in the Big Apple have been totally shut down since Governor Andrew Cuomo ordered the enhanced social distancing guidelines second week of March as the coronavirus pandemic marshaled its deadly juggernaut in the United States. The lockdown has been extended until May 15 in New York).

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My thoughts immediately brought me back in June last year when I nearly quit my part-time job in Brooklyn due to conflict of schedule in my other job, among other reasons.

One morning when I reported in that part-time job, I was greeted by a grim face by my Jewish-Hungarian female employer: “Alex, we need to talk. It’s very important.”

“I don’t know how you will respond to this, but it’s important that I bring out this matter to you,” she enthused.

“I had a long conversation with my daughter last night and she asked me to get more information about you, so I Googled you (search in the Internet using the Google app). I found out that you’re a drug lord aside from being a journalist. Your photo appeared together with the words ‘drug lord’ when I typed your name.”

More amused than peeved, I muttered, “Can you show to me that Google information?”

She showed to me her Samsung tablet containing the Google search about me. Eureka, it’s an article in the alexpvidal.blogspot.com I wrote in 2016 about slain Iloilo “drug lord” Melvin “Boyet” Odicta Sr.

“Yes, it’s my photo in one of my blogs Google had shown to you, and the ‘drug lord’ is part of the title in the story I wrote in that blog,” I told her.

“Oh, I see. I’m sorry, Alex. I’m really sorry,” she hissed, her eyes turned pale. “I didn’t know it was an article.”

“Actually,” I interrupted. “I want to tell you something today. I plan to quit starting next week because I’m planning to work as an embalmer.”

“I beg your pardon?” she snapped back while removing her reading glasses. “An embalmer? For the dead?”

“Yes,” I confirmed. “I plan take a special course first about embalming and I plan to work in the funeral parlor.”

I told her the truth: “I checked the requirements and learned that mortuary employers require at least a two-year associates degree in Mortuary Science. I also learned that the tuition is from $10,000 to $12,000 which I can’t afford.”

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My little “obsession” about embalming dates back when I was a little boy where I witnessed an elderly man commit suicide in our neighborhood in San Jose, Antique at past 2 o’clock in the afternoon.

While he was being embalmed inside their house that night, I was also there and observed the entire procedure.

I can take that job; I need it now after two months of being in a stay-at-home lockdown, there’s no doubt about it. But I can’t shortcut my way to any mortuary whether I like it or don’t.

I further learned (after our conversation) that mortuary science degrees are not typically available through distance learning programs, but students can complete certification requirements in some states such as South Carolina through distance learning programs.

Those who plan to become a funeral director or mortician will need a four-year degree in Mortuary Science. 

Approximately there are 58 institutions in the United States offering Mortuary Science degrees, and many of these institutions also offer the requisite two-year degree for Mortuary Assistants, according to writer Cynthia Lopez Olson.

Olson said many of these schools are community colleges, which offer very affordable programs and flexible hours so you can attend school while working.

Mortuary assistants perform a variety of tasks, Olson said, depending on where they are employed. In a hospital, city or county morgue, they may assist the pathologist during an autopsy, handing him instruments, preparing and sealing samples, and recording details. 

“Mortuary assistants are usually the ones moving bodies from storage units to autopsy tables, and transferring bodies from the morgue to the funeral home. At funeral homes, mortuary assistants may perform light housekeeping duties as well as assist the funeral director during embalming and preparation of the body,” explained Olson.

The conversation with my Jewish-Hungarian employer occurred 10 months ago prior to the job offer on April 22, 2020.

Even if I said yes to the agency representative, I still probably couldn’t be qualified for the position as a mortuary assistant as I don’t have an associate degree for Mortuary Science as a requirement.

(The author, who is now based in New York City, used to be the editor of two local dailies in Iloilo)