I’m The Alalay

“Most people are overconfident about their own abilities. That is probably a good thing. But we would be horrified if a physician's aide engaged in heart surgery.”

—Andrew Lo

 

By Alex P. Vidal

 

BECAUSE of recent developments, I need to communicate with all of you right now with absolute urgency and dispatch while I am still a “presidentiable.”

“Still” and not “will remain as” because rumors have started to spread that I would soon withdraw from the presidential race.

To tell you frankly, I myself don’t even know if I will still be a presidential candidate tomorrow, next week, or next month. If the Angry Man wants me to continue or discontinue with my candidacy, who am I to disobey him? 

You see, it’s the Angry Man who’s responsible why I’ve been promoted from being an obscure The Alalay to senator, and now presidential candidate.

I just follow the leader; I don’t have the power to decide on my own because it’s the Angry Man who holds the remote control of my political life.

It’s fine with me because I owe everything to the Angry Man—my political life; my negosyo life; my personal life; my love life (please don’t be malicious ha).

 

-o0o-

 

I’m not ashamed to be The Alalay. In fact, it’s a badge of honor. It’s big privilege; it has given me a lot of advantages. 

Because of my being The Alalay of the Angry Man, I’m now on top of the world; I’m the unofficial “little president” and sometimes being mistaken for the Angry Man’s “other man” (again ha, please don’t be malicious).

I get what I want that’s why the Daughter-Who-Cried-Wolf is jealous of me, she rejected me as her running mate when I first aspired for the vice presidency and the Angry Man wanted her to seek the presidency.

I am being blamed why the Angry Man and the Daughter-Who-Cried-Wolf are now estranged politically. Nahiya naman ako no. Ganyan pala ako ka lakas kay the Angry Man? 

Not all The Alalays in the country or in the whole world, by the way, could instantly become a senator from being a “coffee maker.”

Not all The Alalays could help their families corner juicy government projects and win multi-billion contracts in the Department of Public Works and Highways (DPWH) and other easy-to-manipulate government agencies we have been using as milking cows. 

Pretty soon, this The Alalay will become president—if the Angry Man won’t terminate my candidacy. I’m very sure of my victory. The Angry Man, my major benefactor and endorser is still in power and is feared by everyone, don’t you ever forget. 

Wat tar wee en pawer por?

 

-o0o-

 

I know I can beat Bongit, Lady Gaga, The Illiterate, Closet Queen, Macho Dancer/Call Boy, Labor Leader even if the election will be held in December. 

It’s simple mathematics; we don’t need to be college professors or arithmetic geniuses: he who “controls” the Smartmatic wins the contest. 

Did I tell you earlier that the Angry Man is still in power until June 2022 and he is being feared like Acephali, a headless humanoids? 

And who is the Angry Man’s favorite or choice to replace him? It’s me, The Alalay. 

I’m confident of beating all my rivals because the Angry Man’s fanatics are still in the millions and most of them can deliver the votes for me.

Even without the Angry Man’s endorsement, I will surely win in the election because I have the full backing of the People’s Republic of Sea Bully and because of the dole outs (using the taxpayers money, anyway) I regularly distribute to the poor.

There’s no doubt I am now very popular in our country. My face is so familiar with the voters. Before I became as The Alalay, I was already known as the “pambansang anino” because I prominently placed my face alongside the face of the Angry Man wherever he went and in whatever event. It was a very effective technique. Look who and what I am today?   

Like my boss, aye heet dragz also but some of the suspected drug lords from the People’s Republic of Sea Bully now owe me debts of gratitude because they were able to corner multibillion contracts to produce substandard pandemic supplies, among other rackets which was actually a payback for helping finance the candidacy of the Angry Man in the 2016 election. 

Again, if the Angry Man will not pull me out in the presidential race, I will continue with my candidacy and win. Ngayon pa lang mag umpisa na kayo pa sip-sip sa akin—the next His Excellency The Alalay. Don’t forget me. I’m The Alalay.

(The author, who is now based in New York City, used to be the editor of two dailies in Iloilo.—ED)