“The main reason Santa
is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” George Carlin
By Alex P. Vidal
IT all looks so effortless.
In the Physics of Christmas, author Roger Highfield asserts that an
innocent child would swallow the propaganda, “a fantasy peddled by generations
of Christmas cards to divert attention away from what is, undoubtedly, the most
spectacular research and development outfit this planet has ever seen.”
Highfield differed on the view that, apart from the occasional slipup
with drunken reindeer, narrow chimneys, and blizzards, Santa manages to deliver
millions of gifts on Christmas Eve, maintaining his smile and composure all the
while.
Santa’s support team: a few reindeer and a handful of diligent elves.
“I have good reason to believe that Santa has drawn on the benefits of
centuries of inventions and insights generated by a scientific effort that would
make the likes of Albert Einstein weep with admiration,” Highfield asserts.
Somewhere in the North Pole, or perhaps buried in a vast complex under
Gemiler Island, original home of Saint Nicholas, there must be an army of scientists
experimenting with the latest in high-temperature materials, genetic computing
technologies, and warped space-time geometries, all united by a single purpose:
making millions of children happy each and every Christmas.
HOW
“Put yourself in Santa’s boots,” Highfield suggests: “How does he know
where children live and what gifts they want? How can he fly in any weather,
circle the globe overnight, carry millions of pounds of cargo, and make silent
rooftop landings with pinpoint accuracy?”
Some years ago Spy magazine examined these issues in an article that has
since proliferated across the Internet.
The piece concluded that Santa required 214,200 reindeer and, with his
huge mass of presents, encountered “enormous air resistance, heating the
reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s
atmosphere.”
In short, the article concluded, the reindeer “will burst into flame
almost instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.”
VAPORIZED
The article continued: “The entire reindeer team will be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity…If Santa ever did deliver presents
on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.”
The point is that Santa is now dead.
He delivers presents every Christmas Eve, as reliably as Rudolf’s nose is
red.
And he overcomes the kinds of problems outlined above with the aid of
out-of-this-world technology.
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